In The Mood
I've been walking with an extra spring in my step lately, and I know why--it's because I'm exercising.
It's truly remarkable just how much exercise can affect one's psyche. I've been diligently working out for 30 minutes several times a week, and I feel so much better about myself. Even though I don't look different, I feel different: happier, more confident. Less like a victim of hormones, body image issues, etc. All of that translates into an ABD who's been sassier as of late (which is my usual self): walking proudly instead of shuffling along, taking more pride in my appearance, that sort of thing.
It's also led to a rise in my libido, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good for the obvious reasons that I won't get into here. :) There is a downside, though: my interest in "sins of the flesh" is significantly stronger than BH's. It always has been, even from the very beginning of our relationship. So that is one of the "good" (if you can call it that) things about those periods of my life when I lose interest in sex--no more frustration on my part, because then our interest levels are about the same. Not so much now, when I'm in my "normal" state, as I'm a lot more interested than he is. That can lead to hurt feelings and frustration on my part. Yes, I know I can take matters into my own hands (ahem), and I do, but I don't enjoy it as much. It's just not the same.
As I said, though, this issue has been one that has always (and will always) be with us. We work on it and have even talked things through with a counselor about it. I try not to take it personally because 1) it's not as if he never wants it 2) I know he loves me and 3) I think a lot of my hurt feelings are caused by me, not him.
I'll be a bit more specific here and explain what I mean about our mismatch: when I'm in my usual frame of mind, I'm pretty much ready to go if not every day, then every other day. BH, OTOH, is consistently a once-a-week or every two weeks kind of guy, and only on the weekends. He gets up very early for work, so I understand why he's a weekend person. And, when we are "together," there is no mismatch. Things are good in that department.
Even though I know all these things in my head, sometimes I fall into my own mental traps, which are also thanks in part to cultural messages about sex. The message I have always gotten about sex (in terms of how I was parented, my schooling, and from the larger culture) is that men are more "naturally" interested in it than women. Now, as a feminist, I reject that idea. I think part of the reason why I've always had fairly healthy attitudes about sex, even when I was struggling with the aftermath of my molestation, is because of my feminism, because I've always believed that sex is natural, that women should get just as much pleasure out of it as men, etc. I've never had a problem with getting what I want and need out of a sexual relationship.
And yet...I still have the nagging voice in my head that pops up every so often, telling me that something is "wrong" with me because my sexual appetite is greater than BH's. The stereotype that "all" men want it "all" the time appears, and I start thinking, "What's so wrong with me that BH doesn't want ME? What kind of freak am I that I'm more interested in sex than BH? After all, he's a MAN! He's supposed to want it all the time, not me!"
Yes, I know those thoughts are silly, and fortunately, they don't come around very often. But when they appear, they're hard to get rid of, even though I KNOW they're stupid and based on sexist gender norms. They haven't come around here lately, and I'm hoping they stay away.
At least one of the many good things about BH is that I can tell him all of this, and we can talk through our feelings. I don't just have to confide these things to the blogosphere--I can (and do) confide all of this, and more, to him, and we work though these issues together. That's why I love him so much. :)
It's truly remarkable just how much exercise can affect one's psyche. I've been diligently working out for 30 minutes several times a week, and I feel so much better about myself. Even though I don't look different, I feel different: happier, more confident. Less like a victim of hormones, body image issues, etc. All of that translates into an ABD who's been sassier as of late (which is my usual self): walking proudly instead of shuffling along, taking more pride in my appearance, that sort of thing.
It's also led to a rise in my libido, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good for the obvious reasons that I won't get into here. :) There is a downside, though: my interest in "sins of the flesh" is significantly stronger than BH's. It always has been, even from the very beginning of our relationship. So that is one of the "good" (if you can call it that) things about those periods of my life when I lose interest in sex--no more frustration on my part, because then our interest levels are about the same. Not so much now, when I'm in my "normal" state, as I'm a lot more interested than he is. That can lead to hurt feelings and frustration on my part. Yes, I know I can take matters into my own hands (ahem), and I do, but I don't enjoy it as much. It's just not the same.
As I said, though, this issue has been one that has always (and will always) be with us. We work on it and have even talked things through with a counselor about it. I try not to take it personally because 1) it's not as if he never wants it 2) I know he loves me and 3) I think a lot of my hurt feelings are caused by me, not him.
I'll be a bit more specific here and explain what I mean about our mismatch: when I'm in my usual frame of mind, I'm pretty much ready to go if not every day, then every other day. BH, OTOH, is consistently a once-a-week or every two weeks kind of guy, and only on the weekends. He gets up very early for work, so I understand why he's a weekend person. And, when we are "together," there is no mismatch. Things are good in that department.
Even though I know all these things in my head, sometimes I fall into my own mental traps, which are also thanks in part to cultural messages about sex. The message I have always gotten about sex (in terms of how I was parented, my schooling, and from the larger culture) is that men are more "naturally" interested in it than women. Now, as a feminist, I reject that idea. I think part of the reason why I've always had fairly healthy attitudes about sex, even when I was struggling with the aftermath of my molestation, is because of my feminism, because I've always believed that sex is natural, that women should get just as much pleasure out of it as men, etc. I've never had a problem with getting what I want and need out of a sexual relationship.
And yet...I still have the nagging voice in my head that pops up every so often, telling me that something is "wrong" with me because my sexual appetite is greater than BH's. The stereotype that "all" men want it "all" the time appears, and I start thinking, "What's so wrong with me that BH doesn't want ME? What kind of freak am I that I'm more interested in sex than BH? After all, he's a MAN! He's supposed to want it all the time, not me!"
Yes, I know those thoughts are silly, and fortunately, they don't come around very often. But when they appear, they're hard to get rid of, even though I KNOW they're stupid and based on sexist gender norms. They haven't come around here lately, and I'm hoping they stay away.
At least one of the many good things about BH is that I can tell him all of this, and we can talk through our feelings. I don't just have to confide these things to the blogosphere--I can (and do) confide all of this, and more, to him, and we work though these issues together. That's why I love him so much. :)
posted by Prof Mama @ 2:07 PM
